It's Kane!

ALARM! ALARM! ITS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING BUT WE'RE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT KANE!

There is something different about this article from my normal wrestling stuff. This is not a story about a few weeks of TV that sucked because they were poorly written or poorly executed. This story is over 10 years of dedicated service. Glen Jacobs has portrayed Kane for over a decade despite his character being a gimmick. Kane has done things on TV that would destroy lesser wrestlers. Too over the top to be believed. But despite every single thing I will list, Kane is still on TV and still entertaining.

The Worst Finishers in Pro-Wrestling History

SOUND THE ALARM! IT IS THURSDAY AND WE HAVE SOME WRESTLING BUSINESS TO TALK ABOUT!

The finisher is the move that ends the match. It is a devastating wrestling move that will knock an opponent out long enough to count to three. There have been some great wrestling finishers over the last 100 years. The Stone Cold Stunner. The Rock Bottom. The Pedigree. 

Great wrestlers are synonymous with great finishers. And through the years there have been several awful moves to end a match. Moves that make no sense or look like they do not hurt. some moves are terrible because the name of the maneuver is terrible. Here are some of the absolute worst and why.

The Extreme(ly Awful) Elimination Chamber

Sunday night the WWE put up another edition of the Elimination Chamber PPV. It made me think of a time when Uncle Vince tried to wring one last dollar out of the ECW Brand. Vince booked an all-ECW PPV and made the main event an Extreme Elimination Chamber match and filling it with 6 of the biggest superstars in ECW history. Like Test and Bobby Lashley. Instead of just having a cage match for the ECW belt, we got an enclosed cage with every area of the ring filled with weapons. It was Extreme! It was terrible. Find out how they shit the bed after the bump.

Yokozuna in a Casket

 AFTER WEEKS OF WAITING MICK HAS WRITTEN ANOTHER WRESTLING ARTICLE!

On Sunday the WWE gave us the Royal Rumble. John Cena won and there were not a lot of surprises. THAT IS NOT NECESSARILY A BAD THING! It made me think back to a time when the WWE was looking for a creative way to get the Undertaker off of TV for a while and Uncle Vince decided to dust off the Casket Match and make a 500 pound Samoan wrestle for 20 minutes of terrible action. Sit down a minute and let Mickey tell you a story from 1994.

Xanta Claus is Coming to Town

ITS A CHRISTMAS EDITION OF THE PRO WRESTLING ALARM! EVEN VINCE MCMAHON EXPLOITS THE GREATEST OF HOLIDAYS!

Pro Wrestling and holidays have had a rocky past. Halloween has brought us many different Stings. Thanksgiving brought us The Gobbledy Gooker. And Christmas brings us Santa Claus. When Santa shows up in a wrestling ring, 9.5 times out of 10 he will be beaten within an inch of his life. Steve Austin hits Santa with a Stone Cold Stunner. 911 chokeslams him to the delight of Philadelphia ECW fans. But one man hated Santa and Christmas more than any other. That person is "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase. And boy did he have a surprise for the wrestling audience.

Tough Enough: Part 2

PRO WRESTLING ALARM! THEY ACTUALLY WROTE A TWO-PART ARTICLE ABOUT THIS SHIT!!!

Earlier this week, we talked about the first two season of Tough Enough (HERE). A show on MTV that recently returned on the USA Network. To recap, the first two season produced 6 different personalities and zero dollars. More of the same came from Season 3 and a colossal loss of money was on tap for Season 4.

Now We Talk About Tough Enough

ITS ANOTHER PRO WRESTLING ARTICLE! AVERT YOUR EYES! HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!

Once upon a time in the mid 1990's networks could not get enough professional wrestling content. The ratings were high and everyone was talking about the weekly happenings. The other thing networks could not get enough of was this new trend called "reality TV". Reality TV is as scripted as wrestling. Wrestling is infinitely more real. And they can air the show on MTV which started the genre with "The Real World." What MTV and the WWE created was a waste of money but had some entertaining moments.

Never Forget: Brawl For All

THE ALARM HAS BEEN HIT! RUN THE FUCK AWAY! ITS ANOTHER ARTICLE ABOUT THE ABSURDITY OF PRO WRESTLING!

The WWF had some really tough guys under contract in 1998. They were not the best wrestlers but these guys needed something to do and were always looking for ways to look good. Why not have these guys put on boxing gloves and fight for real? The problem is, WRESTLING IS FAKE! So we had a real fighting competition in the middle of a fake wrestling program. Marc Mero would really hit Steve Blackman and then 10 minutes later, The Rock would pull his punches on D-Lo Brown. Makes no sense. And this tournament was 100% real. Click the button and I'll tell you why this didn't work.

The Strange Saga of Sgt. Slaughter

PRO WRESTLING ALARM! PRO WRESTLING ALARM! THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! AVERT YOUR EYES AND GO FUCK YOURSELF IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED!

Sgt. Slaughter was a big deal in the 1980's. The man shit Red, White, and Blue and fought every fat foreigner thrown at him in the AWA and WWF. The man was so entrenched in Patriotism and the military that he was given a role on the GI Joe cartoon show and even had many action figures made in his likeness. Sgt. Slaughter was 2nd only to Hulk Hogan in popularity but took some time off. Then Sgt. Slaughter debuted his new character. Let's take you back to 1991.

The Milkman Cometh

PRO WRESTLING ALARM!!!!! THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! IF YOU'RE NOT DOWN WITH THAT, I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU!

This story will be about one of my favorite pro wrestling memories. It is a great moment that has been largely forgotten by the WWE Universe. This was an "Event" episode for WWE Raw. Event episodes usually feature something expensive being destroyed and these episodes do not come around very often. This event featured our American hero Kurt Angle riding to the ring in a milk truck and all hell breaking loose. (There are a lot of pictures after the jump, give the page a second to load)

Akeem, The African Dream

SPOILER ALERT! PRO WRESTLING ARTICLE! IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE AN ARTICLE ABOUT THE AWESOMENESS OF 80'S WRESTLING THEN FIND AN ARTICLE ABOUT THE DEBT CEILING AND THEN FIST YOURSELF!

I was going to write about the saga of Saba Simba for this article but realized that the article would be about offensive racism and not be funny. Saba Simba was a guy named Tony Atlas that Vince McMahon had a grudge against. When Tony came looking for work he was given a tribal costume and a shield and spear. Tony danced around barefoot. He did not last long.

This article will be about Akeem, the African Dream. Same amount of racism but this storyline was better, more memorable, and funnier. To read on about South Africa's favorite son, just click the little button.

Are You A Mexicool?

PRO WRESTLING ALARM! THIS IS A STORY ABOUT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!

Do not read this if you do not want to hear about some of the craziest, funniest, and most offensive storylines in cable TV history. Every bit of this story is true and a billion dollar entertainment company that this was a good idea and would make the company money. If you want to read about a trio of Mexican wrestlers portraying landscapers on television, then please click the little button and read on. And did I mention that these are EVIL landscapers?

The Story of Snitsky

SPOILER ALERT: This is a story about Professional Wrestling. If you do not want to read a story about some of the weirdest and funniest things broadcast on cable television then please stop reading.

The story of Gene Snitsky is a strange one indeed. He is an unquestionably large and powerful athlete. Snitsky is ugly and likely has a basement or crawlspace full of bodies. And for a brief period, he made a powerful connection with the audience because his actions led to a miscarriage. Only in wrestling. Find out more after the bump.

The Strange Life of Brock Lesnar

On April 2nd, Brock Lesnar made his return to professional wrestling after a multi-year absence. Most saw it coming and predicted it since he retired from the UFC after losing to Alistair Overeem. Brock is a physical freak who has dominated everything put in front of him. Except life. For every great choice Brock has made there has been an equal and/or horrible reaction.