The Story of Snitsky

SPOILER ALERT: This is a story about Professional Wrestling. If you do not want to read a story about some of the weirdest and funniest things broadcast on cable television then please stop reading.

The story of Gene Snitsky is a strange one indeed. He is an unquestionably large and powerful athlete. Snitsky is ugly and likely has a basement or crawlspace full of bodies. And for a brief period, he made a powerful connection with the audience because his actions led to a miscarriage. Only in wrestling. Find out more after the bump.

The story of Snitsky begins with the story of Lita and Kane. Lita had been dating Matt Hardy in real life and on TV (until she left him in real life for his best friend Edge) for quite some time. And then a masked monster named Kane started picking on poor Lita and Matt Hardy cam to her rescue. Kane responds by beating the shit out of Matt Hardy and kidnapping Lita. You know where this is going, right? Storytelling 101 states that the monster beats up the handsome prince and kidnaps the girl only to eventually lose to the conquering handsome prince the next fight while prince and damsel kiss over the vanquished monster.

That did not happen in this story. The handsome prince was beaten and beaten and then injured. And the monster Kane kept the girl against her will. And in the context of this story Kane raped Lita, A LOT. And this led to Lita having feelings for Kane! Dating note: Do not rape women and think that you will get the same result. You will not get the girl, you will go to prison, and you will realize that prisoners have a very warped morality and destroy rapists in the shower room. All of this forced sex led to Lita being knocked up with the demon seed of Kane as they forged a relationship.

Lita was not pregnant in real life, there was no way they were going to go full-term with a fake baby. So WWE writers forced this mess on the viewers and suddenly had to back out of it. Enter Snitsky. Snitsky had a TV match with Kane. Lita climbed up on the ring apron. Snitsky knocked Kane into Lita and he fell on top of her. No more Anti-Christ Demon Baby Forged in Rape. And then people were meant to feel sorry for Kane. Kane became the good guy. Let me say that again. THE RAPIST BECAME THE BABYFACE. Snitsky for his part said after the match, "It Wasn't My Fault".

Those four words launched Snitsky up on the cards. That phrase was said in his theme music. He fought Kane every week for an entire summer. Snitsky was a roided-up Man-Beast with a catchphrase! Snitsky stuck around the WWE for a while until his baby-killing character was thought to be out of date.

He became a roided-up bodyguard who would knock out other wrestlers if they paid a price. Snitsky would do the dirty work of Edge and get to spend time with Lita. But he would not rape her. Snitsky's a gentleman. Lita merely stated that she was glad Snitsky killed her baby and then took off her shoes and socks and let him lick her feet. People were forced to spend part of their Monday or Friday Night watching a Roided-Up, baby-killing foot fetishist.

This did lead to one of my favorite lines ever uttered on TV when Snitsky was going on a blind date with a woman and suggested, "Let's go see See No Evil Kane's in it. You know I killed his unborn baby once, but he got over it."

And then the WWE decided that a love of feet was enough to turn Snitsky Babyface. They made him the good guy. That was until the WWE instituted a steroid policy and Snitsky started to mysteriously shrink while retaining his back-ne. Snitsky was gone soon after but he left a mark on the wrestling scene. Professional Wrestling can be really fucked-up to watch.