Never Forget: Brawl For All

THE ALARM HAS BEEN HIT! RUN THE FUCK AWAY! ITS ANOTHER ARTICLE ABOUT THE ABSURDITY OF PRO WRESTLING!

The WWF had some really tough guys under contract in 1998. They were not the best wrestlers but these guys needed something to do and were always looking for ways to look good. Why not have these guys put on boxing gloves and fight for real? The problem is, WRESTLING IS FAKE! So we had a real fighting competition in the middle of a fake wrestling program. Marc Mero would really hit Steve Blackman and then 10 minutes later, The Rock would pull his punches on D-Lo Brown. Makes no sense. And this tournament was 100% real. Click the button and I'll tell you why this didn't work.

The tournament was set up in order for "Dr. Death" Steve Williams to win it hands down and establish him as a contender to "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Williams was a remarkably tough guy who legitimately had a head injury that required 108 stitches to close and then he wrestled again that night. Williams would enter this ring, knock out chump after chump and set up a great feud. And that's when the shit hit the fan.

The rules for this contest were odd. And terrible. Take a look at this graphic and try to apply these rules to a UFC fight:

The lineup for the tournament was another letdown. Dr Death, Bart Gunn, Marc Mero (former boxer), Savio "Kwang" Vega, 8 Ball, Droz, Steve Blackman (martial artist), Road Warrior Hawk, Bradshaw, Mark Canterbury, Brakkus, Scorpio, Dan Severn (UFC Champion), The Godfather, Bob Holly, and Quebeccer Pierre.

And that brings us back to Dr. Death, the guy WWF was betting on to make millions upon millions of dollars for them. He knocked Pierre flat on his ass in the 1st Round. Looked really tough. Then Bart Motherfucking Gunn knocked Dr. Death into 1999. Dr Death was embarrassed.

Now if you want to build a character in a fake wrestling world, history dictates that you let that guy beat a few other guys in a row. Beat them convincingly. Plan to have Dr. Death knock them out if that is the way you want to do it. Wrestling is fake. You tell the wrestlers who wins. Instead, the WWF is embarrassed when a nobody tag team wrestler knocks out every other scrub on his way to the finals.

WWF had the last laugh on the matter when they paid money to a fat boxer named Butterbean and then executed Bart Gunn at Wrestlemania. Bart Gunn's career highlight is this graphic...

Lesson learned. You want to make a badass? Script a badass.