Yokozuna in a Casket

 AFTER WEEKS OF WAITING MICK HAS WRITTEN ANOTHER WRESTLING ARTICLE!

On Sunday the WWE gave us the Royal Rumble. John Cena won and there were not a lot of surprises. THAT IS NOT NECESSARILY A BAD THING! It made me think back to a time when the WWE was looking for a creative way to get the Undertaker off of TV for a while and Uncle Vince decided to dust off the Casket Match and make a 500 pound Samoan wrestle for 20 minutes of terrible action. Sit down a minute and let Mickey tell you a story from 1994.

The Undertaker was the supposed master of the Casket Match. After all, he beat Kamala and Kama The Supreme Fighting Machine in these stipulation matches. And Yokozuna was close to death every time he went longer than 5 minutes in the ring anyway.

The object of the match is to push your opponent into the Casket and close the lid. So much different from just pinning the other guy's shoulders to the mat. This match could kill people.

The Undertaker was an undead/zombie/mortician who killed his parents and brother in a fire. The story can and has changed on a whim to satisfy whatever bullshit the WWE writes to push Undertaker towards a new feud. The point is the Undertaker moves slow, takes some punishment, then sits up as if nothing hurts him. Nothing like no-selling offense to get a guy over.

The major difference between this match and others was that Yoko and Taker didn't even have to pretend to be wrestlers. They just threw punches. And more punches. And kicks. And clotheslines. Shawn Michaels vs Bret Hart it is not. This goes on for about 13 minutes then the fucking shit hits the fan again. KWANG!

The Undertaker could not just be stopped by Yokozuna. No mere 500 pounder could beat the Dead Man. Jeff Jarret ran in. And The Headshrinkers tag team. And Bam Bam Bigelow. And Diesel. And Adam Bomb. And Crush. Throw in Mr. Fuji as Yoko's manager and it takes 9 fucking guys to knock out The Undertaker! Do you know how many people had to lay down after Hulk Hogan dropped a leg on their chest? Thousands! But it takes 9 guys in their prime to take out Captain No-Sell! Yokozuna and 18 different arms closed the lid and the fat guy wins.

Then the shit that hit the fan earlier reformed itself and jumped toward the fan again.

As the 9 conquering villains wheeled the Casket out of the arena the casket started to smoke. A video appeared on the TitanTron. It was a video feed from INSIDE THE CASKET! The Undertaker gives a long and convoluted speech as to how he cannot die and will be back soon to hold down younger guys with talent and no-sell offense. Then the Undertaker's skin disappeared and only a video outline of him appeared on the screen. The outline floated to the sky and a shorter guy in an Undertaker outfit rose from behind the TitanTron.

Shit. Utter horrible shit. The 12-year-old me was pissed off. The 31-year-old me is still pissed.