Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Future of Nuptial Agreements

Let's be honest. The phrase "Til Death Do Us Part" means as little as "I'm OK to drive" or "I'll pay you back." More than half of the couples you see wed are divorced within five years. Some people are not meant to share their lives with another person. Years and years of being with the same person is a strain on your sanity, your wallet, and your life. Instead of signing a pre-nup sign a Bastard Gentlemen Official Nuptial Agreement.


Dating is a game. Two people act like they don't like each other even though they do. They flirt. They go out to dinner. She either lets him into her vagina quickly or draws the process out until he has jumped through enough hoops. You move in together. You decide that you can spend the years getting older together. You and the wifey invite friends and family to drink booze and eat warmed-over chicken. They bring gifts.

The problems begin. The sex gets stale and/or stops. The little things you loved about each other before become mind-numbing annoyances. You threaten to kill each other. You take a break. You get a divorce. The couple splits the assets. The man gets fucked over for alimony and the process starts anew.

This is where the change begins. If there is even a shred of doubt that you cannot live with this person for the rest of your life, sign a Nuptial Agreement. Bastard lawyers are drawing up the contracts as we speak. The standard deal is a 5 year contract with mutual options for 2 more years. After the contract runs out, both partners become free agents, split assets accumulated throughout the term of the contract, and go their separate ways. Contracts can be extended multiple times or be annulled with no penalty to either party at any time.

Think about how the world will change. You're not responsible for a lifetime. You would only be beholden to another person for 5 years. Cancel anytime. That free agent period is where a man and a woman can really make bank. Women and men may take offers for their wedded services. Dowries can make that long overdue comeback. "I will marry your daughter, but you must include anal 4 times per month, twice weekly blowjobs, and 3 nights a week of guy/alone time. If you agree to terms, we will cuddle nightly and I will listen to you talk about your day. The balance of power shifts to the party that is pursued.

You have doubts, the Bastards have answers. Change the vows from "Til Death Do Us Part" to "Until the Contract Has Ended." Get married time after time. Go back to your old spouses after taking a multi-year break. Or maybe find true love and toss the contract out whenever you like. You only live once. Fuck who you like, make commitments to the one you love. Sign the contract, give us money, and thank us for your happiness later.

No comments:

Post a Comment