Manti Te'o At The Center of Illuminati Cover Up

Is it only a coincidence that Manti Te'os girlfriend became a "fake person" the day after Lance Armstrong "sorta kinda almost" admitted to roiding up before the Tour de France? Is it coincidence that she "died" the same year Armstrong decided to stop fighting allegations he was more roided up then the 1988 WWF locker room?. There are no coincidences people, that's why the only way to answer what happened this week is to look at the Illuminati.

I have yet to take this story to Coast to Coast because I went to bed early last night so consider this a Bastard Breaking Story. Pinnacle of the Draco, aka head of the Illuminati, is a huge Armstrong fan. He's personally financed Armstrongs medically induced leg strength with the profits he earned through Jay Zs Blueprint albums and Tupacs (not so) posthumously released recordings (Everyone knows Pac is living the life down in Cuba).

Here's the whole story. Lance told The Illuminati he was about to come clean, they offered to continue to pay his legal fee's but Armstrong remembered the last time he had allowed them to pay for anything the 'Nati asked to be repaid with a testicle. So he declined their offer and asked only that he be able to compete on a level playing field in triathlons and World Strongest Man competitions.

This was a genius move by Armstrong. He knew old Dragon Balls would only allow him to compete in one thing (so as to symbolize Armstrongs one nut) and that he hated World Strongest Man competitions so much the Illuminati had them removed almost completely from ESPN in the early '00s.

There was just one request the Pinder (head of the Illuminati) had of Armstrong. If this deal was to be done, Lance had to find a way to keep the story as quiet as possible. Lance had a brilliant idea. He would dupe an All-American College Football player into dating a fake girl and then kill her off. Later he would make up a bunch of facts about the whole charade and sell them to Deadspin.com just before Armstrong made the obligatory Oprah appearance. Lance had to appear on Oprah because she is the one thing more powerful than the Illuminati. How else would you explain her network still being on air?

Now the heat is off and no one is talking about Mr. Armstrong. Sure Deadspin may have their facts and resources but we Bastards have an internet connection and conspiracy theories.