I know I'm not the only person who has ever written or talked about this. I'm not breaking any new ground here but there are still millions of ignorant dudes out there who have no idea what they are getting into when they ask a girl to move in. Shit will go down. Things will change. You'll have to face some difficult choices.
You found a girl that's perfect for you. She may not be pretty, she may not be rich, she may have only one good eye or genital herpes, but she is yours. Her lease has run out and you decide to take the relationship to the next level. Here's where shit gets real.
I Don't Have That Much Stuff
That will be the first lie you hear. Your girl has more things than you could possibly imagine. Clothes, accessories, jewelry, furniture, kitchen stuff, etc. Your living room was put together through help from garage sales and Goodwill. She has planned every step of her life with you. It starts with getting rid of the stuff of yours she has never liked. You have to make room for all that stuff.
That will be the first lie you hear. Your girl has more things than you could possibly imagine. Clothes, accessories, jewelry, furniture, kitchen stuff, etc. Your living room was put together through help from garage sales and Goodwill. She has planned every step of her life with you. It starts with getting rid of the stuff of yours she has never liked. You have to make room for all that stuff.
Time to set up that garage sale. That Scarface poster will fetch about 5 dollars if you're lucky. That collection of alcohol bottles will net you a few bucks if you recycle them. At the end of that first weekend the stuff you spent all that hard-earned money on has a resale value of 68 bucks. You can keep your stuff if you rent a storage locker or have enough room for a "Man Cave."
DVR Blitzkreig
Next you'll notice there's a major change on your DVR. It'll be attacked by all things Kardashian, Project Runway, Real Housewives, and Honey Boo Boo. You will be force-fed Lena Dunham and Kathy Griffin. The Bachelor will be watched and re-watched as you search for the right way to kill yourself.
Next you'll notice there's a major change on your DVR. It'll be attacked by all things Kardashian, Project Runway, Real Housewives, and Honey Boo Boo. You will be force-fed Lena Dunham and Kathy Griffin. The Bachelor will be watched and re-watched as you search for the right way to kill yourself.
To-Do Lists
You have no idea how much work it takes to create a house that is great looking and ideal for entertaining guests. She does. Don't worry. She has an itemized list of all the things that need to get done. Shit you have never thought of doing. The To-Do Lists will knock that Saturday and Sunday out of your hands ridiculously fast.
You have no idea how much work it takes to create a house that is great looking and ideal for entertaining guests. She does. Don't worry. She has an itemized list of all the things that need to get done. Shit you have never thought of doing. The To-Do Lists will knock that Saturday and Sunday out of your hands ridiculously fast.
You will fight with her constantly. The reason you didn't fight much before was because you could always get away. Your salvation was a drive away. Now you live under the same roof with a ticking clock of 12 months to decide your future.
Special Occasions
Here comes the good part. Things that you like doing become saved for "Special Occasions." Your favorite meals. Your favorite activities. Blowjobs. Rimjobs. Handjobs. You're no longer constantly trying to please each other and the Favorites List falls by the wayside while the items on the To-Do List never cease. Compromise becomes the name of the game. The best way to maintain the sexual pace is to trade services for increased frequency of these "Special Occasions". And that makes you a whore.
Here comes the good part. Things that you like doing become saved for "Special Occasions." Your favorite meals. Your favorite activities. Blowjobs. Rimjobs. Handjobs. You're no longer constantly trying to please each other and the Favorites List falls by the wayside while the items on the To-Do List never cease. Compromise becomes the name of the game. The best way to maintain the sexual pace is to trade services for increased frequency of these "Special Occasions". And that makes you a whore.
Now for the good news. You learn to live with another person. This is the ultimate test to see whether you can get married or start a family. If you cannot handle her bullshit, LEAVE! She will ponder her future the entire span of your first lease too. If you can live with all of the things I mentioned, you found a keeper. Put a ring on it. Have some kids. Move into a nice Double-Wide and live Happily Ever After.
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