It's Kane!

ALARM! ALARM! ITS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING BUT WE'RE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT KANE!

There is something different about this article from my normal wrestling stuff. This is not a story about a few weeks of TV that sucked because they were poorly written or poorly executed. This story is over 10 years of dedicated service. Glen Jacobs has portrayed Kane for over a decade despite his character being a gimmick. Kane has done things on TV that would destroy lesser wrestlers. Too over the top to be believed. But despite every single thing I will list, Kane is still on TV and still entertaining.

Origin
This is about to get weird. The story has changed over the years to keep his angles fresh, so let's start at the beginning. Kane is the Undertaker's brother. Kane was trapped in the funeral home with his parents as the Undertaker burned it down. He was thought to be dead. Turns out he was alive and being raised and trained by his real father Paul Bearer (RIP). Kane showed up and fought The Undertaker 200 times and never won.

Anger Management Issues
Every six months or so, Kane is pushed to the moon as a monster. It is standard operating procedure for the writers. He's almost 7 feet tall and really strong. And he can shoot fire from turnbuckles simply by raising his arms and then dropping them quickly. The pushes never worked because the only thing they would talk about during his push was that he was an unstoppable monster. Then he would lose. Not so unstoppable. Kane feuds with Undertaker. Rinse, repeat. Then he started committing crimes.

Fire on TV
Kane once attacked WWE announcer Jim Ross on TV. Jim Ross scheduled an interview with Kane a week later to get him to apologize. Kane said he was sorry by attacking him again and lighting him on fire. On TV.

Electroballs and the Feud With Shane O'Mac
Kane attacked Linda McMahon (the robotic CEO of WWE). Her son, Shane McMahon, came out to save his mom and avenge her beating. This was not going to be your standard wrestling feud. This began a 3 month game of homicidal and convoluted one-upmanship. Shane lured Kane into a limousine then crashed it into a parked semi-truck. Kane beat Shane brutally in a hospital. Shane lured Kane into a locker room brawl, set the contents of a dumpster on fire, and then kicked Kane into it.

Kane had to come up with something new. So he went to Autozone and got himself some new jumper cables and a new car battery. He went to visit his friend Shane and handcuffed him to the ringpost. He then placed red to red and black to black. He then placed the opposite cables on Shane's balls. And electrocuted him. At 9:30pm in front of a live audience of witnesses. But wait there's more.

Kane Hates Charlie Hustle

This is the weirdest of Kane's traits. Weirder than shooting fire on command or torturing testicles. Kane loved to attack Pete Rose. He never gave any reason for the attacks. Maybe he was a Cubs fan. It was never explained. But Pete Rose would keep finding his way to events and Kane kept giving him the Tombstone piledriver. So Pete Rose decided enough was enough and took to the offensive. Rose dressed in the costume of The San Diego Chicken and attacked Kane. Then he was unmasked and Tombstoned again. This happened for four straight years and likely will again if Pete Rose makes another appearance.

Kane has been around the block and has had a longer career than most. Somehow, some way, he survives these horrible events and keeps finding ways to do worse things to WWE superstars. And he likely will for another 10 years.