Let's face it, Christmas can be a very stressful time of year. It's all about making other people happy and going out of your way to be super nice and generous. You have to buy gifts, show up to parties that you don't want to attend, fake it through mindless company Christmas gift exchanges, and try not to stab any homeless people on the way home. It's a strain! Luckily for all you bastard readers, I have some wonderful news. It doesn't have to be all stress. I have complied data for the past 20 years on how to effectively curb the Xmas blues. Just follow my list, and check it twice,decide if you want to be naughty or nice.
In avoiding blowing your brains out around this time of year, it is important to have a method of relieving stress. Instead of channeling your bitter hatred and anger, it's good to focus it and use that dark hate inside you get you through the riggers of being a nice and decent person.
Punt the neighbor's cat- This is a first and crucial step in focusing your anger. Remember that stupid cat that your neighbors have that just roams around your lawn, making all kinds of noises and keeping you up at night? It's time to give that feline a good ol' fashioned kick across the street. The ancient Egyptians worshiped cats and now they're all dead. So science would say that doing the opposite would help avoid a stress related death by punting Mr. Mittens right back to the Johnson's yard. Don't worry, they land on their feet.
Relief Zone- It's also important to physically and verbally vent your frustration out as loudly and immaturely as possible. Uncorking the inner asshole in you will prevent IBS (irritable bowl syndrome) and other stress related illnesses. When it's time to put up with the in-laws and your wife's father comments on how poor you are and that your home smells like Jeffery Dahmer's freezer, it's time to make a quick retreat to your "happy place". A basement with cemented walls covered in blankets to sound proof the area is recommend. Once escaping your father in laws cutting, bitter words and how you're not good enough for his baby girl, yell out as loud as you can and throw objects across the room. You don't want to chuck anything too valuable. Be sure to kick anything close and scream inappropriate names and words that would even offend the Almighty. Made up words that make sense to you also are just as effective.
Mark Your Territory- Shopping is one of the biggest factors to Stressmas. In the hustle and bustle, it becomes very easy to loose your cool and smack some lady that took the last Turboman (reference to a toy in dumb movie). If that's not enough, store employees have had their soul sucked from them working in retail on the holidays. They may be following the same steps to avoiding stress that you are. To get revenge on the idiot that doesn't know where anything is in the store is quite simple: take a squat in a busy isle and pinch off a Christmas yule log. Nothing is more humiliating than cleaning up human feces for $9.25 an hour. The smell and sense of relief will lift your spirits high as Devon has to mop what you dropped.
Grand Theft Stripper Fight- This is my favorite method. If the above steps haven't worked then it's time to take it up a notch. Go to your nearest liquor store and steal 2 bottles of whiskey, punch the cashier in the face (male or female),steal the first car you see in the parking lot, drink the 1st bottle entirely while you back out, turn off your headlights, and drive to the strip club by the airport. Once entering intoxicated, be polite to the bouncer and seat yourself at pervert row. After throwing change on stage, look for a shorter and weaker person to pick a fight with. Shout "terrorist!" to the top of your lungs and spear him into the bar or stage. Before you're kicked out, slap a near by stripper in the face and tell her she smells good. If you can avoid jail, then you have successfully heightened all of your senses and relived any stress you had in your body.
Hopefully these helpful hints will get you through one more year or have you wind up dead or in jail. From all of us here at Bastard Gentlemen.com, we wish you a very merry Stressmas!
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