Dealing With Loss

It's Monday and that means roughly %45 of America is dealing with a loss in their fantasy football league. The other %5 are holding out hope that tonight one of their players will have the night of his career. As someone who has dealt with more than his fair share of fantasy disappointment (Anna Nicole Smith's weight gain ruined every fantasy I had from '93-2000) let me help you through what is sure to be a rough season.

First off, just realize it isn't going to get better. You've lost the one game of the season that could have made you undefeated. You can't go 15-0 if you're 0-1, that's just math. The chances of you going 14-0 from here on out are pretty fucking slim. So just lay back and enjoy it because your season is already in the shitter. Things may get better, hell you could even break .500 on the season, but you're off to a bad start.

After you've accepted the inevitable demise of your season you're free to self medicate. For this, I choose beer. You see beer has a number of advantages during the football season. Number one, it gets you drunk and numbs the pain of watching every sleeper you waited to long to draft break out and change the NFL's landscape. Number two, it fattens you up for the long winter. The new fat won't look good on you (much like it didn't on my beloved Anna Nicole Smith) but it doesn't matter because you're a looser now. Embrace it. Even if you weren't a loser you'd be drinking an abnormal amount of beer, because football. Also, it'll keep you warm as you girl out in the November - February months. You will grill out in the dead of winter too because you're a fatty, fat, fatty, fuck.

Next, you must learn to talk as much trash as possible. This is important because if you can't beat your opponents on the (fantasy) field you must destroy them from within. Double the importance if your league has divisions where you play the same team twice. If you get into someone's head they start fiddling with their team. If they have Steven Jackson talk shit about Steven Jackson. If you talk good enough shit they will play him when you square off. He will then rush for 50yrds and not score. You've just won a positional battle and made sure you're division rival will continue to draft Steven Jackson out of pure spite towards you. In the short-term this will help you feel better, in the long-term it ensures shitty drafts for the other player.

Finally, do your best to keep things in perspective. Fantasy football should only be 2nd or 3rd on your list of priorities. Remember, your fantasy football team isn't your real football team. Cheer your NFL team on even if it means rooting against your fantasy team. If your real team sucks, blame their management.  Focus your fantasy outrage towards them. If your team is great, forget your fantasy team sucks. If you're a Browns fan, find a shrink.