So you and the little lady decide that you want to make it honest. You will stand in front of family and friends and indentured servants to proclaim your love for each other. But you have no idea the shitstorm that you, even as a man, are about to endure. What follows is a guide for those men (and women) that are about to tie the knot. This is the shit that everyone who has been married knows about but won't impart to you.
Budget Time
Step one of this process is for you to sit down with your betrothed and jot down your wedding budget. Meticulously account for every single dollar you need to make this the best day ever for her. You come up with a nice round figure and you think that one of the hardest parts are over. Then what you should do is take that budget and set that sumbitch on fire. The real number you were looking for is double your initial budget. How? After your first compromise get used to saying “whatever you want” and watch that initial number skyrocket.
Professional Venue vs House
This one decision will set the tone for your wedding. Choose a professional venue and you are working with a wedding planner. They likely have their own chairs, bars, tables, wait staff, etc. But then you have to use the House DJ. And the preferred caterer. They have people that will do most of the work for you but the bride will have to give up complete control over the event. Choosing a venue means a lot of compromise.
Choosing the home of a family member or friend opens up a new can of worms. By choosing this option, the bride is choosing tyrannical control over the proceedings. That also means that you and the bride are responsible for FUCKING EVERY GODDAMN THING. Your house will be covered in color swatches for linens and napkins. You spend your work days and every night comparing what every rental company has in stock and their rates. The guests need people to pour them drinks and pick up dirty dishes. Someone has to keep the candles lit.
Pro Tip: One or more of your friends are into crafting. You will need to put them to work. Expect your fiance to set up a second home in Hobby Lobby.
Food
Your guests have been to a wedding before. They have had the dry chicken and the overcooked steak. This is a chance to show how different you are. Give your guests BBQ or tacos or hire a restaurant that is not known for catering. Give the guests something different and give them a good memory.
Bar Options
The rule of thumb is an open bar means a long and happy life together as a couple. A cash bar means that your relationship will be over before the next season of South Park. No booze whatsoever means that your guests will be resentful and shows how uncool you are. You want people on the dance floor having a good time? Get the booze flowing.
Pro Tip: If you hire no one else, hire a bartender or two. Pick a friend in food service who doesn’t mind working for $50 and tips. Otherwise, people treat the dance floor like they have bottle service in the club and things can get messy fast.
Pro Tip: If possible, start the drink service during the actual wedding. People are more inclined to have fun with a drink in their hand.
Cake
The wedding cake is the sexual fantasy of a baker. A bakery can charge as much as they feel like and the cake can cost more than the fucking wedding dress. But people gawk over the dress. Bakers tend to put more emphasis on the outside than anything inside. The outside is covered in hard icing and decoration. The inside is dry cake. Few people even eat the cake. It is an expenditure you can skimp on. Get wedding cupcakes or ice cream.
Guests
This is where it gets tricky. Every ass you invite needs a seat. Every seat needs a table. Every table needs a plate. Plates need forks and spoons and knives. You serving bread? Then you need a bread plate and butter knife. Guests needs water glasses. And champagne flutes for toasting. Wine glasses for getting tastefully plastered. Clear Solo Cups for your beer and mixed drinks. And then the food for the plates and liquor to fill those cups. Let’s throw down a conservative estimate of $60 per ass to fill those seats. This number can easily skyrocket.
Every table needs some kind of centerpiece. And a nice frilly napkin. And a fucking tablecloth that matches the color scheme. More money. Pinterest becomes the bane of your existence. Brides have no idea how people planned weddings before people pinned lavish and expensive ideas to a board on a website. “But look, this girl I have never met has the perfect _______ and it looks so pretty.” Wallets open. Credit Cards get closer to Maxing Out.
Restroom Trailers are necessary for the outdoor wedding. You can’t have your guests in their formal clothes stopping up a house toilet or using a port-a-potty. But don’t worry. Rental places have these trailers that operate on hugely expensive generators. And you might as well grab a few more of those generators to power your lights and DJ Booth.
And the worst thing a bride and groom can see is the empty seat of someone who RSVP’d. Do they realize the money that could have been saved if they just declined your generous offer? You are still paying for that empty seat, table, wine glass, water glass, food, booze and all that shit.
The most fun event of the pre-wedding festivities occurs when the bride and groom sit down and try to pick where everyone will sit during the reception. It is like a massive game of Fantasy Football but you have to worry about Team Chemistry. Half of the tables are no-brainers. Family sits with family. But then you add distant relatives, friends, co-workers, bosses, neighbors, old family friends, singles. And then you need a system in place to inform them of their table. Printed cards? Markerboard? Elaborate craft display? Time and Money!
Reception
This is what we have been building towards. The ceremony is nice but people look forward to the party. Your friends want to eat their expensive food and drink their free liquor. And then they want to dance.
DJs are another problem waiting to happen. Chances are that you are giving a complete stranger a live microphone and you’re handing the party over to them. Most of the DJs I have met do not like to be controlled. They want to play the songs they want in the order they want. You want them to play the songs you fell in love to and they want to spin some German House DJ they heard in Amsterdam on Spring Break ’09. This is where I can save you some money.
One of your friends is in a band. That friend has a sound board and speakers. Borrow them or give them a small rental sum. One of your friends has every popular song on their ITunes. Maybe two people can pool their songs. You at least know someone who is good at making playlists and can cue up a song when it is necessary for the dances, bouquet toss, garter toss, etc. You do not need a guy in headphones spinning records when an IPod can do their job for free. You have one charismatic friend who can grab the microphone and make announcements. Put these people to work.
A quick note on music choices. If you want no one on your dance floor play classic rock or adult contemporary or anything hard or angry. You love this music but parties do not. Play all the popular dance songs (The Wobble, Cupid Shuffle, Boot Scootin Boogie) but spread them out. The rest of your mix should feature classic hip-hop, Beyonce, Rihanna, and anything old needs to be a sing-along staple (Madonna, Bon Jovi, Journey). Play songs that are impossible not to move to and people will have a good time.
Pro Tip: Leave the kids at home. Kids tend to dance to anything and crowd the floor. They move without care for themselves or others and people worry about tripping over some kid break-dancing instead of having a good time.
Final Thoughts
Get people drunk. Feed them good food. Let them dance the night away. Everything said about your wedding will be positive. And beg and plead your closest friends to work through their hangover to help you get the rental stuff back the next day.
Pro Tip: It is ok to not have a traditional “Wedding Night”. 60+% of couples do not. Have fun at your wedding. Get drunk with your guests. It is your special day.
Pro Tip: Do not leave for your honeymoon the day after your wedding. Nothing is worse than trying to travel hungover.
Final Pro Tip: Beg and plead with your friends and family to help you clean up the next day. You will need all the help you can get. People are pigs.
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